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rudegirlrage

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honors kids and room decorations [Sep. 28th, 2005|02:39 pm]
rudegirlrage
[mood |benadrylic]
[music |groovie ghoulies]

you can't take the time now
to know the time it takes
in time
we can't take back the time it took then
to know the time it took
back then
moments nigh
moments present
I'm sure it never ends.

....taht was me being intellectual.

The AP english kids scare me...
all in all I'm pretty nervous about getting good grades in my courses, and forgetting assignments. Ditching class is probably the worst thing I could ever, and will never do (essentially 1 missed class= d or f grade)

This is probably the funniest thing of all: I'm allergic to redwood trees. My college is in the middle of a redwood forest. It's fucken fab. I finally figured out that benadryl will do the trick, but its made me groggy as hell, hence my zombified stuffed up nose walk.

I'm going to try and go surfing sometime this week, but all of the busses are on strike, so there's literally no way to get off campus.
PS: What's with nor-cal and emo/ indie? I can't find anyone who listens to ska AT ALL, and the punk i hear is neither surf nor progressive at all. And there are no chain reaction style venues...so I'm definitely a little bummed about that. But for now, it'll do.
I'm going to dress up the room with my roomies...I'll be back to update more.
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honors kids and room decorations [Sep. 28th, 2005|02:38 pm]
rudegirlrage
[mood |benadrylic]
[music |groovie ghoulies]

you can't take the time now
to know the time it takes
in time
we can't take back the time it took then
to know the time it took
back then
moments nigh
moments present
I'm sure it never ends.

<<<taht was me being intellectual. The AP english kids scare me... all in all I'm pretty nervous about getting good grades in my courses, and forgetting assignments. Ditching class is probably the worst thing I could ever, and will never do (essentially 1 missed class= d or f grade) This is probably the funniest thing of all: I'm allergic to redwood trees. My college is in the middle of a redwood forest. It's fucken fab. I finally figured out that benadryl will do the trick, but its made me groggy as hell, hence my zombified stuffed up nose walk. I'm going to try and go surfing sometime this week, but all of the busses are on strike, so there's literally no way to get off campus. PS: What's with nor-cal and emo/ indie? I can't find anyone who listens to ska AT ALL, and the punk i hear is neither surf nor progressive at all. And there are no chain reaction style venues...so I'm definitely a little bummed about that. But for now, it'll do. I'm going to dress up the room with my roomies...I'll be back to update more.
linkpost comment

transition shakedown vent fest [Sep. 7th, 2005|10:54 pm]
rudegirlrage
[music |radio head...from peter]

Do you know that sick feeling you get at the bottom of your stomach when you can't breathe.
The slow panic the lack of oxygen creates...
It's been happening.
I don't know why, but I think it has something to do with moving.
I feel sick, and i can't reach out anymore, I can't tie up the loose ends.
Like when I went to cingular, to see if i could retrieve numbers
"there's not a thing we can do for you"
surely, that's the story of my life.
I wish it was different, and I wish I had the energy to change it, but I can't.
I have the energy of a broken heart and a tired mind.
Rome wasn't built in a day.
I want to undo experiences and take back attatchments.
I want to forget faces and feelings.
Neither of which i can do.
And I'm sure its the brilliant orange pills which are making me feel so glorious now.
They really weren't fucking when they named those side affects, were they.
I've been feeling like I've had the flu for days now, and these moods swings too...just shoot me.
i haven't really been talking to anyone
everything is moving backwards.
I do realize I'm bitching like crazy, but really, I just need my one time to vent.
I keep wondering how people would react if they had the one thing that kept them going taken from them.
This world would go mad, and then I might be happy.
Misery loves company.
I don't want excuses, I don't want east-outs.
I'm tired and scared that I can't do what I need to do now.
I don't want to be alone for an eternity...and i have no faith for what i have lost.
I'm sick to death of giving advice no one will take.
I'm tired of listening to problems people won't end.
And at the end of each miserable pointless day i tell myself...
rome wasn't built in a day.
Thank the good lord I only have a few more of those pills left.
I miss the way love or even just lust tastes...
I make myself sick with worry...
it found me and casually strode on.
doo doo do do doood doo do.
Like the motherfucking titanic.
Where's my bag of love, my motherload of security?
None. Guess I'll just have to ruin yours then.
WOw, that's seriously how low I feel right now.
Fuck it.
My emotional content apologies.
My heart is way too dynamic.
Wonder why no one notices...*shrug*.

I'm done indulging my inner child, name calling, whining, and whatever else....and now, moving on. That was my official, so cal mental shakedown. Mil grazie to every fucker who contributed, including myself.
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learned [Sep. 2nd, 2005|11:10 am]
rudegirlrage
[music |aaliyah...takin it back]

55 poems. 1 year.

so many distractions...
and my mood is completely unpredictable.

truly, i don't believe in love...
hearts of convenience.

I wish you could witness the rainbow of emotions...
watch me as i laugh and the sinister corners of my mouth twist.
then I rub my eyes in the silence. more silence. silence. more silence.
I look around, i'm tired. more emptiness. resolutions feel the same as previous realities. no progress, who's flying high now? silent desperation. philosophical trepidation.
Then anger...I can't believe the utilitarian nature of humanity. flesh. call to be used.
used to be called. Then memories of dreams, of lives we could have in the future.
Distance by reality. Speed and distance makes the end.

...all lost in an impossible rhythm.

(no this is not one of them...the poems that is).
ONE WORD ROMANCE should be published in ktt, if that ever gets off the ground. Oh the uncertainty of dreams. Its very frustrating.
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I have not known you until now [Aug. 13th, 2005|12:46 pm]
rudegirlrage
[mood |fading]
[music |the deception of your own heart creates a fit intoxication]

I can't explain to you the happiness of complete honesty,
even as my hearts desires hung in the balance.
I hung them there,
I had to understand the here, the now.
And for my friend,
I gushed the honesty:
a complete picture of the last 6 months...
the break-neck speed of the hurricane.
You have to understand;
Maybe i believe taht you do.
I watched his expressions:
Maybe it was an elaborate dream.
I always thought I was too afraid,
but i am here.
Even as I leave,
I am still fully present...
because I have elected to be here.
I have made choices to posses this freedom and strenght.
That's how I bought my way out,
even as it fights me now.

Thursday night, the comfort of deception...
honestly do you believe I think you have me in your pocket.
But I stared at taht ceiling fan in complete adoration.
I am home here.
Not in this place, but in this reality.

Even still I pray to myself...just let me out; save yourself.
And I have watched one pull back from the brink of chaos to catch her breath.
Maybe she breathes clearer now.
How is it where you are?
Does it still burn on the inside?
I'm sure it does. I've just never stopped to uncover my inadequacy.
I can't face the crutch even as it fades from me.
Maybe this is the last of saturday nights...

Who are you taht is now an intruder into my every thought?
I feel a silent struggle transpiring,
and it paints a more volatile picture than the last.
One less passive audience, one more demanding heart.
Things are better now.
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every other word is a ^&*% or a @$%^ [Aug. 2nd, 2005|06:06 pm]
rudegirlrage
[mood |quo]
[music |somebody please get me off the NIN]

i write waaaaay too much poetry to be a musician.
Most of it is posted privately now...
just way too much stuff I feel like alot of people don't know about me.
and maybe they shouldn't.
its sad the way I care to censor myself isn't it,
more like self-preservation.
I'll post more when things slow down.
But today I got invited to be a musician again...
even for a minute...40 something days and counting;
I ALWAYS MISS IT. Its not something i ever forget about. Without it I wither.
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(no subject) [Jul. 29th, 2005|06:46 pm]
rudegirlrage
Life is just so much better with good music.
Its like a shot of adrenaline in the imagination.
All at once you are dancing, breathing, fucking with the artist in a room of fire, and no one knows but you and the hot sound you can't lay your hands upon.
I'm such a music whore, doesn't it show.

If I could be T Rez, my life would be complete.
Where did he ever get the name NIN?
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(no subject) [Jul. 26th, 2005|05:30 pm]
rudegirlrage
[mood |glad I earned my ticket out]
[music |garbage "bleed like me" << slightly overrated synth pop]

I'd like to get upset at people for being rude and callous...
but they have their reasons.
Just like some don't believe in love...
I suggested "yet",
but I don't believe it myself.
And maybe those who have their other half
sacrifice the other disposable faces in their lives.
I'm watching the clock now.
Chapman to fairmont does not take an hour and a half.
Yet I did the same thing five days ago.

I hate those who try to piggyback on my blood and sweat and tears.
My caffeinated doubt and episodes are mine!
oh god, now look at the tables.
Atleast I admit to myself I give and take with both hands.

But I have to admit, I started something good.
Yesterday was beautiful, by the end, what little vision spurned by self-hate, other people were speaking in. It wasn't mine...taht was the intention.
Maybe it'll be something, maybe its nothing, in the end its much bigger than pride. I've seen alot of ruins in peoples lives, and I don't want that to be it.

My distrustful callous mind is watching the clock.

I was thinking about getting a scorpion in ink to cement the understanding...
but that means never swimming with my mother again...
go figure.
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Lost impressions [Jul. 10th, 2005|10:51 pm]
rudegirlrage
[mood |torrential]
[music |"stupid girl" --garbage]

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!
be motherfucking sure
and careful

before that someone whispers into your ears
something you can't stand
and taht taste in your mouth tastes like ashphalt.
Can you run away from lost pride
and anger
and fear.
No,especially when you were expecting someone else.

Play it cool, play it cool for how long,
until the taste of chaos lingers too long.
A little too close to the fire
skin burns too
not always into callouses,
but scars.

How do you turn down the fantasy, the absolution when
it has gone horribly awry.
I'm an empty face
an unmade bed
to your friends.
Thats why, this is the end.

Before I break my resolve
and relinquish my common sense
I will spell you out for what you are
cheater, devil, liar.
No, you won't finish me.
For better or worse.
Be careful what you wish for.

is this beautiful to only me?
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(no subject) [Jul. 8th, 2005|10:35 pm]
rudegirlrage
[mood |enthralled]
[music |Garbage--"I'm only happy when it rains"]

So aside from lighting my thumb on fire for 4th of july.....way to say happy 4th eh...this week has been bleh.
But oh well the illegal fireworks made my day. Getting kicked out of your best guy friends bbq...priceless. Oh well, we all did.
I might start working in the birdhouse.
Hey dude, I knew I belonged with the birds. Wild birds unlimited. That's right, carrying bird seed for old people. How awesome is taht? Very.

I can't believe I got taht call today.
It was totally out of the blue. I think he heard it in my voice.
Ages of wondering what the fuck happened...
It feels very unreal, like the planets aligned or something.
So the superstition is kicking in...
Only the lord knows taht my salvation
lies in
powerchords and testosterone
since I was an evil catholic school girl.
He remembers.
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